Assignment 23 - Max Morris

Just a few days ago, my life was rocked by the news that formerly beloved actor Kevin Costner had followed me on Twitter, despite the fact that I have never tweeted anything even remotely related to him or his work. Immediately, I began hatching a devious plot, and like all devious plots, this one needed a soundtrack, so here it goes:

Songs to Catfish Actor Kevin Costner To

1. You Oughta Know- Das Racist. Before you try to catfish anybody, the first step is to really get to know them. I know close to nothing about Kevin Costner, as his movies don't interest me, but if there is one thing I do know, it's that he is a very boring man, and the one universal truth of boring men is that they all love Billy Joel. I cannot in good faith put a Billy Joel song on any playlist, so instead you can deliver your dose in a far better package. All apologies to Cam'ron, who originated this "Movin' Out"- sampling beat, but the sorely missed group Das Racist performed the nearly impossible feat of beating one of the all-time greats at his own game. With their characteristic mix of low-brow stoner humor and esoteric cultural and literary references, this song is just a lot of fun, and possibly the only good thing to ever come from Billy Joel. Another must would be to listen to Kevin Costner's little-known country band Modern West. I haven't listened to them, but the chances that they're not awful are slim to none, so instead just listen to Charlie Feathers' "Can't Hardly Stand It," that's a country song that's actually very good, and pretend it's by Modern West, that'll make complimenting Kevin Costner's music career an easier task.

2. Je T'aime… Moi Non Plus - Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin. Another important pre-catfishing ritual is to get yourself in your most seductive mood, and nobody is better for that job than French provocateur Serge Gainsbourg. Even though not a word of it is in English, it's nearly impossible not to blush when you hear those swirling organ tones and Birkin's sensual whispers. This song is so scandalous that, while none of the lyrics are dirty, it was banned from the BBC for simply sounding that sexy. If that isn't seductive, then I don't know what is, but if you're still not properly scandalized, check out "Adore" by Prince, "Untitled (How Does it Feel)" by D'Angelo and "Jeepster" by T. Rex. Now you are ready to catfish Kevin Costner.

3. Into my Arms - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. Once you've built up a steady online rapport with Kevin Costner, here comes the real kicker. In order to really hook him, send him a link to this song, possibly the most romantic ever written, and tell him it makes you think of him. After this, no more words will really be needed, Kevin Costner will be head over heels in love, and you'll have accomplished your goal. Now put on Love's album "Forever Changes" and take a well-deserved break. This has nothing to do with Kevin Costner, but I can't pass up a chance to recommend this album, it's seriously perfect, and applicable in all playlists.

4. Danny Glover - Young Thug. Before you head out for your first, and likely final, date with Kevin Costner, you're going to want to get pumped up, and this banger is the most essential "turn up" anthem of the last couple of years. Even the squarest Joe Schmoe can get excited when they hear this song play, and that's really all there is to say. See also: Karma - Waka Flocka Flame, Dope Song - Danny Brown, and Ignition (Remix) - R Kelly.

5. Several different outcomes can end this twisted tale of deception. That's right, this is a choose-your-own-adventure playlist (Patent Pending), so let's check it out:

• Own up to your ruse: April Fools - Chief Keef. Once you've earned your first meeting with Kevin Costner, you start to get cold feet, and decide to let him in on your elaborate Shanghai. What better soundtrack is there to that than a song titled after a ruseman's favorite day? Being a Chief Keef song, it is completely incomprehensible other than the words "April Fools" and "Bang bang," but it gets the message across. If you're not into drill, use "That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore" by The Smiths, because everybody loves The Smiths.
• Continue to pursue the relationship: Heartbeat - Buddy Holly. Once you've devoted all this time to getting close to him, you might've developed a bit of a crush on old Kevin, and you might as well try to seize this rare opportunity. There's literally hundreds of great love songs I could've chosen here, but I chose "Heartbeat" just because the image of having some weird cute 50s-style Archie Comics sort of romance with Kevin Costner made me laugh. See also: Baby, I Love You - The Ronettes, Love - Nancy Adams (Robin Hood reference intended).  
• Spook him: "Cue" - Scott Walker. There is only one ideal ending to the catfishing of Kevin Costner, and that is spooking the bejeezus out of him. As an aficionado of spooking, I can say that there is no artist spookier than recent Scott Walker. If one were to scan the mind of Jeffery Dahmer and have David Lynch direct the results, then it would probably sound a lot like this song. Really, any song from Scott Walker's modern classic The Drift works, but this is probably the eeriest. You could also use "In Dreams" by Roy Orbison. On it's own, it's a pretty cute song, but with it's connotation with a crazed Dennis Hopper, it would likely bring nothing but dread to Kevin Cosnter, who had the displeasure of working with Mr. Hopper during the cocaine-fueled rage also known as his entire life.